My way of thinking is currently being rearranged. I will share with you the first one today.
Perfectionism.
I have always been a perfectionist and admitted that without apology and prided myself on that trait. What the Lord is teaching me is that it is not a good thing at all.
It took me weeks to process this. It is how I have lived, for years and thought it was a good and Godly trait.. Now, I have to change that and say to myself, "It is okay if it isn't perfect. You give it your best and that is great. No stressing and forget about what others will say or respond." I have to keep telling myself this about EVERYTHING, it is actually a little painful to type it out.
This is life changing and freeing. The heavy weight I always placed on myself to be perfect is now gone, well I am giving it my best, lol. Why am I surprised? Didn't Jesus say that His yoke is easy and burden is light?
Perfectionism is a driver, a destroyer and just plain mean.
No matter how hard I tried at whatever, it never seemed PERFECT. This led to me pretty much despising myself in most areas and feeling like a failure most of the time. Something I kept hidden very well from everyone,very well. Placing such a heavy load on myself, I then expected those around me to be perfect to or at least be striving for it as hard as I was and when I soon realized they were not, it made me angry that they were below "perfection" and NOT upset about it, it seemed so unfair to me!
This ruined friendships a little bit back. This ridiculous expectation that I had from those around me caused me to be mean and just plain stupid. I regret this now, but not condemned, because I know I am not perfect and that is okay.
2 comments:
Sometimes it's hard for me to read your posts and this one was one of those. I question myself about how and where I failed you. They say you are always hardest on your first-born and it saddens me to read that this has come true. My heart aches for the hurt and pain you have been living with!!
You always were a passionate and intense child and I wish I had helped you channel that passion better, but a 'FAILURE"!?! YOU??? Oh my Crissi, you have NEVER been a failure!! Fallen short, yes, but a failure - NO!!!!! We ALL fall short and sometimes, every day!!
As I read to the end of your blog, I realize that you now know that the enemy has used your 'passion to please your God' against you and robbed you of the freedom to walk in His grace!
You think I say this because I am your Mom, but your Dad and I have always known that you are destined to be in Heaven's Hall of Fame! Not because of who you are, but because of what you let Him do in and through you!!!!
I believe 2012 will be a year of healing, discovery and walking with 'hinds feet on high places' with your God!!
I want to follow with you!!!!!
With all my heart,
Mom
Loved this post, because I could relate so well. Only, I have to sadly admit, I didn't realize the truths you so well explained until I was 40! It is such a blessing that younger ladies are opening themselves to the gift of grace. Grace is extremely hard for a perfectionist to understand! However, when the door of understanding opens a crack and one sees how freeing it is, then marriages are better, relationships with children are fun, friendships with others are a blessing. Before, all those were a struggle! Thank you, Crys for the post and opening yourself up! And to that wonderful mom of yours - I also raised a perfectionist daughter. While we can't go back and make those little "tweaks", we can go forward and let these awesome young women know that enjoying and laughing at their imperfections are an important part of their Christian walk.
Melody
Post a Comment