Heavy

One word describes life for me right now.

 HEAVY

Surrounding me are major decisions, major minute by minute choices and major spiritual reconstruction.

First is the day to day parenting of an almost nine month old and a strong willed, five year old who daily pushes the boundaries. Both boys bring me such a delight, smiles and a warmth only a mom can understand, but that doesn't mean it isn't tough, very tough for me, everyday. My day to day life, I feel often like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth, from one boy to the next, hoping for just five minutes of peaceful playtime. When Bruce comes home, I am exhausted, drained and have little left to give, because I parent with all my heart, giving 100%.  I am so glad to have the blessing to stay home with my boys, but I am just saying, right now, it is pretty intense for me.

Second is the whole house search. I am daily praying and I KNOW, as shared in previous blogs, that the Lord has our house for us and knows right where it is, but in the meantime I am having trouble making time for the process. After eight hours with my two precious little guys, I am all give out, mentally more than anything. So, to think and look about and at houses is a major effort. I am so glad the hubby is doing a great job of leading us in this, but it is another HEAVY thing right now.

Finally, for those of you that sincerely pray that the Lord change you, be forewarned. In January, I told the Lord that I did not want to be stagnant again this year and that I wanted to grow closer to Him. This journey He has started me on is indeed heavier that I ever thought. I am learning that my life, my day is NOT mine. I Corinthians  6:19-20 states that we must daily surrender to HIS will for every minute of the day, we are NOT our own!

I am also discovering my many hidden, deep insecurities. So deep, that initially, I thought I was just fine. I want to grow this year and with that desire the Lord has revealed parts of me that are tough to swallow. I know I will reap the benefits beyond my wildest dreams, but right now it is pretty heavy. I am having to completely reprogram myself in how I view myself and those around me, all the while giving every minute of my day to the Lord, praying that He will give me some control of my day, but for right now that is not the case. Coming from someone who likes to be IN control of her day, her life, her relationships, this is life changing and a minute by minute surrender!

So Lord, let it rain,open the floodgates of heaven and change me! Make me, mold me and HELP me right now! When I am so tired. When I am so weary. When I want to control things. Let it rain Your peace and presence in my life, flooding me with Your spirit, that those who know me will see YOU and the changes You are making in my life. To YOU be all the glory, honor and power!