A New Day, A New Perspective

        If you follow my blog, my most recent post seemed, well, as my husband said, "interesting". These were feelings I had bottled up for a while and I love how our Heavenly Father never pushes things on us, but gently brings things to our attention and offers a better alternative and hope. 

Our pastor preached a sermon this past month that has left me deep in thought, analyzing myself and my perspective toward fellow Christians. It had such an impact on me that as we drove home that Sunday, my hubby asked me what I thought about the sermon and I replied, " I really don't want to talk about it right now." 

So many things in my mind and I just don't know quite where to start! Well, let me just start with this, I FEEL SO FREE! Our pastor talked about grace and how we as Christians receive so much grace from our Father but we are stingy when handing it out to others. OUCH, that was when my toes started bleeding and I felt like he said it right to me. I am one of those who doesn't like to forget how and when I was hurt and then I let those hurts become walls to protect me the next time that hurt MAY happen. Thinking this was the best way to shield myself from hurt, I have lived my life most this way. My criticism grew towards others and I became less and less like my Savior who gave everything to us, who forgives us, drowns our sins in the sea of forgetfulness and has endless grace towards all of my short falls.

I knew I had to change, I didn't want to live this way, I wanted to be poured out.

At the end of the service I said "Lord, this is something I can't do, not in my own strength", and ever since THAT moment, I have been different and FREE. I want to see people through Jesus eyes and extend grace to others as much as He has me. His love OVERWHELMS me. All I long for is to be MORE like HIM, in my life AND relationships, no matter if they are short or for a  lifetime, I want to be like Jesus.

This walk may not be a bed of roses and I am sure that I will get hurt again, but my Heavenly Father will be there to once again heal my heart so that He can pour out through me once again.

At our youth service last night, the Lord confirmed the work He was doing in me with the words from Hillsong, "Inside Out".......

" A thousand times I have failed, still your mercy remains and should I stumble again, I will be caught in your grace....CONSUME me Lord, from the INSIDE out!"

WOW, that is all I can say, wow!

No Matter What.............

People, their reactions, why they do what they do is nothing short of a great mystery to me, especially Christians, which you would think would be easier, but it's not.

I have wrestled with this for most of my life actually and I am not sure why. I am a nice person, a loyal friend but I can't seem to find one to simply love and accept me for who I am....why is this? 

Why is it so easy for other woman to have these dynamic friendships, yet I struggle. I know I am different on several levels. 

I love to be alone and.......

I am not one of those people who want to be around girlfriends several times a week, I need my space. Most of the time, I love right where I am and to be honest I just don't seem to have much room for a friend, especially being pregnant, I love my life just the way it is. .......

At the same time....

I seem like a foreigner among woman, like I am difficult to understand, not worth the trouble. Some would say this is just my imagination and it is my fault for not being vulnerable enough or pulling away all the time and while that may be true, wouldn't a true friend stick around to help me through?

Competition in friendships is something that really turns me off. If a woman already has lots of friends, close friends, I would rather not be part of a large already existing group, struggling to find my place. I have walked this road and it ended in a mess quite honestly. It was really sad and I believe misunderstandings led to the death of it. I have been just fine since and learned so much from it. 

I learned that I prefer....... one or two close friends......... I prefer space......... I prefer to find those I feel safe with. I prefer a friendship developing slowly.

Due to the lack of friendships in my life, my heavenly Father became my very best friend and I tend to compare friendships to Him. Wrong? I am not sure, because aren't we as Christians supposed to have Jesus as our example in life and relationships? Although we cannot be perfect in this life and there is forgiveness, if you are not completely open with one another, can it go on?

There is a song by Kerri Roberts that I love that seems to fit me exactly.......

" Since I can remember, guess I've been a problem, never had a filter, never been the popular one, never been the one to sugar coat what I know to be undeniable....."

 "Everywhere I go, everyone is talking, I can feel them starring, they hope I am just pretending and giving up my power, but I am not living for them, I am living for something better."

"I am not good enough, I am not what they want, and let me tell you what, I KNOW what I am, so just throw me out, for not fitting out, I will stand my ground, and be an outcast....."

"So what if I am an outcast? So what if I am an OUTCAST?"

"They think I should be perfect, they love it when I mess up and no grace in case I blow up...."

"So what if I am an outcast? So what if I am an OUTCAST?"

"I try to be nice, I don't want to fight but what I believe is what makes me strong."

"No matter what it costs, I will be an outcast, because I know who I am.....I am not good enough for them,  I am not what they want, but I know who I am, so just throw me out for not fitting in."

"I will stand my ground and be just who I am."

So for now, I keep breathing and believing that my Heavenly Father has the perfect friend for me and I will wait, I will not settle and I will hold on tight a little longer.