I sit here quiet, sick, confused. It seems as if my faith and efforts to be a better steward has gone up in flames. Understanding is an enemy and the heavens are silent.
I sit here staring, overwhelmed, frustrated. Packed boxes fill our house. Unpack and resign myself, or wait?
My hope of owning a home was murdered on Thursday. Run to the creator? How can I emotionally allow myself to when I gave Him all during this entire process. A little heads up would have been nice. Is this my fault? Should I have prayed more than I did? Did my financial missteps have this situation from the start?
I am trying to be a better steward. My intentions are worth gold, but I am told that us not enough. I am not perfect and finances are my nemesis in life, just like my weight, but I try and try and I have NEVER given up at either.
To cry out to Him feels like spending time with a thief that took something from me.
My life has been lived with a passion for Jesus, my everything. Yet in these painful, confusing moments, I see him as a foe, not a friend.
I am angry at the situation. Prayer is linked with faith. My faith did not result in what I thought was the right, practical, responsible action to take.
It is difficult for me to find a balance between faith and things that are practical. Why? Didn't I learn this lesson already?
3 comments:
Oh I so wish I could help you! One thing that comes to mind is when things get tough and we know we need to lean more on God we tend to harden our hearts against God because we don't understand why this happened. I do this sometimes. Do you listen to Christian music? I find comfort in the songs and soon I am praising God. Please keep praying and seeking God during this difficult time. He loves us. Steph
Crystal ... as I read your blog post, I can't help but wonder why it is God that you are blaming for stealing this from you? (I don't mean this in a condemning or snide way or to sound “holier than thou” ... it is a sincere question that I have).
Why would God automatically become the foe? Isn't it Satan who is our enemy? Isn't he the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy (physically and emotionally ... our bodies … our hopes and dreams)? Why does God get the blame for this?
While I don't understand why God "allows" things to happen ... I don't think it's fair to actually blame him for what is happening either. I have been praying for years (Ty was 25 months old when he had his first episode and he is now 9 years old) for healing for my son. I have gotten angry at God for not healing him ... I have questioned many, many times why He is not fulfilling his promise of healing ... but I have not blamed Him for it … I don’t think I could.
This world is full of sin/evil ... it is what it is ... we have a hope to look forward to a day when we no longer have to live in a world like this, but for now ... we have to deal with it ... and continue to worship God through it and trust (have faith even if it is the size of a mustard seed) that His hand is still on our lives.
When I get angry at God for not bringing healing it doesn't last very long. The reason … He gently reminds me there is a reason for what we are going through (I may not know what that reason is until I am in Heaven, but that's okay). I do know (from comments I’ve heard) that non-believers have seen a difference in how I deal with things and maybe God is using this situation to bring others closer to Him??
With all the many, many health issues the boys and I have been through over these past 10 years I can tell you they have pushed me closer to Jesus. They have made me press in closer (even if for a short time I push away when I’m angry or questioning). They have taught me how to have more compassion for others. I am still learning, growing, struggling and praying through all this … and trusting in faith that there is a reason for all of it and one day I will understand.
Will pray for encouragement for you … and continue to pray for peace and wisdom for you and Bruce … in love, dawn
Anger is normal. Jesus got angry and asked questions of His heavenly father too. David, whom God bragged was a man after His heart, shared in psalms his frustrations at times as well. There's no shame in being angry and asking questions; we trust God's timing is perfect... But we don't have to like it sometimes :0)
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