My Thoughts are my Enemy

I sit here quiet, sick, confused. It seems as if my faith and efforts to be a better steward has gone up in flames. Understanding is an enemy and the heavens are silent.

I sit here staring, overwhelmed, frustrated. Packed boxes fill our house. Unpack and resign myself, or wait?

My hope of owning a home was murdered on Thursday. Run to the creator? How can I emotionally allow myself to when I gave Him all during this entire process. A little heads up would have been nice. Is this my fault? Should I have prayed more than I did? Did my financial missteps have this situation from the start?

I am trying to be a better steward. My intentions are worth gold, but I am told that us not enough. I am not perfect and finances are my nemesis in life, just like my weight, but I try and try and I have NEVER given up at either.

To cry out to Him feels like spending time with a thief that took something from me.

My life has been lived with a passion for Jesus, my everything. Yet in these painful, confusing moments, I see him as a foe, not a friend.

I am angry at the situation. Prayer is linked with faith. My faith did not result in what I thought was the right, practical, responsible action to take.

It is difficult for me to find a balance between faith and things that are practical. Why? Didn't I learn this lesson already?

Wrong Way of Thinking

My way of thinking is currently being rearranged. I will share with you the first one today.

Perfectionism.

I have always been a perfectionist and admitted that without apology and prided myself on that trait. What the Lord is teaching me is that it is not a good thing at all. 

It took me weeks to process this. It is how I have lived, for years and thought it was a good and Godly trait.. Now, I have to change that and say to myself, "It is okay if it isn't perfect. You give it your best and that is great. No stressing and forget about what others will say or respond." I have to keep telling myself this about EVERYTHING, it is actually a little painful to type it out. 

 This  is life changing and freeing. The heavy weight I always placed on myself to be perfect is now gone, well I am giving it my best, lol. Why am I surprised? Didn't Jesus say that His yoke is easy and burden is light?

Perfectionism is a driver, a destroyer and just plain mean.

 No matter how hard I tried at whatever, it never seemed PERFECT. This led to me pretty much despising myself in most areas and feeling like a failure most of the time. Something I kept hidden very well from everyone,very well. Placing such a heavy load on myself, I then expected those around me to be perfect to or at least be striving for it as hard as I was and when I soon realized they were not, it made me angry that they were below "perfection" and NOT upset about it, it seemed so unfair to me!

This ruined friendships a little bit back. This ridiculous expectation that I had from those around me caused me to be mean and just plain stupid. I regret this now, but not condemned, because I know I am not perfect and that is okay. 

My loving Heavenly Father understands my humanity, human flaws, general weakness and although I will always give it my best, if it is not perfect that is finally okay with me, I have put that weight down. I have decided, chosen, to walk in freedom and grace, not only with myself but all of those around me and I know there are only great rewards to reap! :)

Heavy

One word describes life for me right now.

 HEAVY

Surrounding me are major decisions, major minute by minute choices and major spiritual reconstruction.

First is the day to day parenting of an almost nine month old and a strong willed, five year old who daily pushes the boundaries. Both boys bring me such a delight, smiles and a warmth only a mom can understand, but that doesn't mean it isn't tough, very tough for me, everyday. My day to day life, I feel often like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth, from one boy to the next, hoping for just five minutes of peaceful playtime. When Bruce comes home, I am exhausted, drained and have little left to give, because I parent with all my heart, giving 100%.  I am so glad to have the blessing to stay home with my boys, but I am just saying, right now, it is pretty intense for me.

Second is the whole house search. I am daily praying and I KNOW, as shared in previous blogs, that the Lord has our house for us and knows right where it is, but in the meantime I am having trouble making time for the process. After eight hours with my two precious little guys, I am all give out, mentally more than anything. So, to think and look about and at houses is a major effort. I am so glad the hubby is doing a great job of leading us in this, but it is another HEAVY thing right now.

Finally, for those of you that sincerely pray that the Lord change you, be forewarned. In January, I told the Lord that I did not want to be stagnant again this year and that I wanted to grow closer to Him. This journey He has started me on is indeed heavier that I ever thought. I am learning that my life, my day is NOT mine. I Corinthians  6:19-20 states that we must daily surrender to HIS will for every minute of the day, we are NOT our own!

I am also discovering my many hidden, deep insecurities. So deep, that initially, I thought I was just fine. I want to grow this year and with that desire the Lord has revealed parts of me that are tough to swallow. I know I will reap the benefits beyond my wildest dreams, but right now it is pretty heavy. I am having to completely reprogram myself in how I view myself and those around me, all the while giving every minute of my day to the Lord, praying that He will give me some control of my day, but for right now that is not the case. Coming from someone who likes to be IN control of her day, her life, her relationships, this is life changing and a minute by minute surrender!

So Lord, let it rain,open the floodgates of heaven and change me! Make me, mold me and HELP me right now! When I am so tired. When I am so weary. When I want to control things. Let it rain Your peace and presence in my life, flooding me with Your spirit, that those who know me will see YOU and the changes You are making in my life. To YOU be all the glory, honor and power!

God Came Down

Yesterday was a mountain of frustration, exhaustion and confusion yesterday. Part of it was just me, the weariness carried over from last week and the rest from the house search.

Up until the past few days I have had an overwhelming peace from the Lord on our future home. I knew that He sees it and already knows everything about it and the journey we will take until moving in. I am earnestly praying for a four bedroom two plus bathroom, basement and fenced yard, I believe He can bring us a home like that.

I spent the day thinking about the houses we had seen over the weekend and questioning myself. Was I being too picky? Should I just says yes to one of them and move on? Can I really live in Front Royal? The questions and doubt were endless, not too mention stealing my peace at the same time.

I spoke with my mom several times, asking for her advice and counsel and I am beyond grateful for the mom I have.She encouraged me to walk, trust and know that He is in control. The our Father leads us and does not drive us. Powerful words!

Bruce arrived home and I began to share with him the afternoons events. As we were chatting in the kitchen God came down, His spirit and powerful presence enveloped our hearts, tears began to fall down my face and once again, we KNEW! 

HE is in control, HE has a PERFECT place for us! Excitement and hope filled our hearts once again!

I am so thankful, blessed and in love with my heavenly Father! 

The enemy is so sly. He easily slips into our minds and our hearts and if we don't reach out for advice and prayer, we may make a wrong decision because we can rationalize it out. I want God to make this decision. Not one that I make due to this or that and maybe end up regretting in the long run. He is faithful to reward my trust in Him as 

I CHOOSE NOT to lean on my own understanding!

Peace sweet peace.

Control from the Inside Out

Coffee in hand, sitting here on my bed, iPod playing, "Everlasting" in my ears.

Bruce leaves for Canada, the entire week! I am trying to have as much "me" time as I can before entering the world of non-stop mommy. The boys are great, just a normal five year old and seven month old, but that doesn't change the fact that I find this "mommy thing" very hard at times. Most days I look forward the moment that Bruce walks through the door, peace seems to come right along with him.

I know the Lord is my strength, my all and my peace, but in some of "those" moments the feelings of peace and strength couldn't seem further away. I then remember what I know, NOT feel. He IS with me, my heavenly Father IS present, but yet Cole still cries, Zach still throws the tantrum. 

I could just scream, then sit and cry. I ask myself, can I really do this?

I have never been so happy, such deep inner peace as right now in my life, it is such a sweet place. I am beyond blessed for the changes the Lord has made in me and I am so grateful that I became submissive to those changes. I continue to relinquish so much control to Him and the minutes of my day. 

Yet, I wonder... is it too much to ask for one small piece? 

Maybe not, maybe so. As I type this, probably, it is. He wants ALL. My life is NOT my own. 

Consume me Lord, from the inside, out, this is the cry of my heart! My heart and my soul, I give YOU control, consume me! Help me to loose myself and just bring You praise!

It is just so hard, I mean, didn't He give me this personality? I struggle with this at times and then in sweeps that overwhelming peace that I have become so thankful for. Knowing it will all be okay and my focus turns to the precious two little boys that I have, their smiles take away all my frustration.

At the end of the day, there is another day I must walk. I want to walk. These days I know will be the days I treasure the most! In those moments of pure frustration I must relinquish all control and refocus on what is in front of me, gifts from the Lord. Tangible gifts, the only tangible gifts God gives.

As I begin this week alone, I will walk in the confidence of my Father. I will walk in the confidence of those who surround me with love and cherish each moment, whether giggles or screams with my boys.

A First for Me

As of late I have had Tupperware-itus, I just can't seem to get enough. 


I am not sure if it is the organization of it, the pretty colors or just an unusual fascination. I have been doing lots of research and praying about selling Tupperware because I love it so much and it makes my life more simple as a mom. 


Last night I attended a Tupperware meeting where they were having a host appreciation night. Can I just say that I walked away with so much FREE Tupperware it was crazy! 

During the meeting I had something happen to me that had never happened to me in my life. 


Upon entering the room I was bombarded with tickets for drawings and raffles for this and that, it was great! About thirty minutes into the meeting my number was called, MY NUMBER! I stood there in shock for a second and then I heard myself say, "that's me!". As I took my seat, it began to sink in, I WON, I really won!


The rest of the night I continued to receive more free Tupperware, it was great and a night out away from the boys. :) 


I do want to sell Tupperware, I am just waiting on God's timing. I can't wait for that day to come, yeah!

A Moment in Panera

Another week gone by.

Attempted to make some changes this week, like having a quiet time and for the most part, I did well. It was so awesome and refreshing to feel His Spirit once again. I also cut back time spent on the computer and made time to read to my boys, enjoy the moments with them. Cole is six months today and I am loving every minute. It makes me sad actually, he grows so fast. Life is going too fast.

I wish to treasure every moment. Stop and make the most of every hour with my kids, my spouse and for me.

We turned off our cable two weeks ago, best thing we did. Life seems so much more alive to me and I seem more aware of all the opportunities around me.

To play with my boys. 
                       To gaze into their eyes and enjoy the innocence. 
                                       To stop and gather my thoughts. 
                                                                To have a quiet moment with God.

I know it is vital for me to protect and guard my schedule to avoid getting so busy that I miss these moments. So busy that I am driving from one event to the next, squeezing one more thing into my day. Even if it is for the kids, even if it is for the church. Staying so busy causes us to miss all the little things and breathing in God's blessings in our lives.

I would encourage every mom to stop. 


     
                    Take one minute and stop.

                                     Look at your schedule this week, why is it so full?    


           Do you need to be busy to feel important?


                                                 Slow down, say no, cancel things you can.



In that moment that you cancel and cut things from your schedule, you give yourself, your children and family a gift,



Free yourself up to breath in all God's little moments and blessings all around you.

2012 - I WANT!

2012, I have proclaimed it as "The Year of God's Goodness!" Does that mean I believe there will be no hard times? Nope. It means that my Father is good to me in so many ways that I choose to look out for it and focus on it this year.


I have also determined that this will be a year of "I WANTS".

Romans 7:15  "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."


I have decided that THIS is the year I CHOOSE to DO what deep inside of me WANTS to do!


 I want to eat healthier, in a way that honors the body God has given me.


I want to read my bible and pray daily.


I want to run.

I want to read more.


I want to spend less time on the internet.


I want to grow deeper in God.


I want to know Him like I never have!


These are the things I WANT and with the Lord's help, I will push aside distractions and succeed in Him!