No Matter What.............

People, their reactions, why they do what they do is nothing short of a great mystery to me, especially Christians, which you would think would be easier, but it's not.

I have wrestled with this for most of my life actually and I am not sure why. I am a nice person, a loyal friend but I can't seem to find one to simply love and accept me for who I am....why is this? 

Why is it so easy for other woman to have these dynamic friendships, yet I struggle. I know I am different on several levels. 

I love to be alone and.......

I am not one of those people who want to be around girlfriends several times a week, I need my space. Most of the time, I love right where I am and to be honest I just don't seem to have much room for a friend, especially being pregnant, I love my life just the way it is. .......

At the same time....

I seem like a foreigner among woman, like I am difficult to understand, not worth the trouble. Some would say this is just my imagination and it is my fault for not being vulnerable enough or pulling away all the time and while that may be true, wouldn't a true friend stick around to help me through?

Competition in friendships is something that really turns me off. If a woman already has lots of friends, close friends, I would rather not be part of a large already existing group, struggling to find my place. I have walked this road and it ended in a mess quite honestly. It was really sad and I believe misunderstandings led to the death of it. I have been just fine since and learned so much from it. 

I learned that I prefer....... one or two close friends......... I prefer space......... I prefer to find those I feel safe with. I prefer a friendship developing slowly.

Due to the lack of friendships in my life, my heavenly Father became my very best friend and I tend to compare friendships to Him. Wrong? I am not sure, because aren't we as Christians supposed to have Jesus as our example in life and relationships? Although we cannot be perfect in this life and there is forgiveness, if you are not completely open with one another, can it go on?

There is a song by Kerri Roberts that I love that seems to fit me exactly.......

" Since I can remember, guess I've been a problem, never had a filter, never been the popular one, never been the one to sugar coat what I know to be undeniable....."

 "Everywhere I go, everyone is talking, I can feel them starring, they hope I am just pretending and giving up my power, but I am not living for them, I am living for something better."

"I am not good enough, I am not what they want, and let me tell you what, I KNOW what I am, so just throw me out, for not fitting out, I will stand my ground, and be an outcast....."

"So what if I am an outcast? So what if I am an OUTCAST?"

"They think I should be perfect, they love it when I mess up and no grace in case I blow up...."

"So what if I am an outcast? So what if I am an OUTCAST?"

"I try to be nice, I don't want to fight but what I believe is what makes me strong."

"No matter what it costs, I will be an outcast, because I know who I am.....I am not good enough for them,  I am not what they want, but I know who I am, so just throw me out for not fitting in."

"I will stand my ground and be just who I am."

So for now, I keep breathing and believing that my Heavenly Father has the perfect friend for me and I will wait, I will not settle and I will hold on tight a little longer.