Coffee in hand, sitting here on my bed, iPod playing, "Everlasting" in my ears.
Bruce leaves for Canada, the entire week! I am trying to have as much "me" time as I can before entering the world of non-stop mommy. The boys are great, just a normal five year old and seven month old, but that doesn't change the fact that I find this "mommy thing" very hard at times. Most days I look forward the moment that Bruce walks through the door, peace seems to come right along with him.
I know the Lord is my strength, my all and my peace, but in some of "those" moments the feelings of peace and strength couldn't seem further away. I then remember what I know, NOT feel. He IS with me, my heavenly Father IS present, but yet Cole still cries, Zach still throws the tantrum.
I could just scream, then sit and cry. I ask myself, can I really do this?
I have never been so happy, such deep inner peace as right now in my life, it is such a sweet place. I am beyond blessed for the changes the Lord has made in me and I am so grateful that I became submissive to those changes. I continue to relinquish so much control to Him and the minutes of my day.
Yet, I wonder... is it too much to ask for one small piece?
Maybe not, maybe so. As I type this, probably, it is. He wants ALL. My life is NOT my own.
Consume me Lord, from the inside, out, this is the cry of my heart! My heart and my soul, I give YOU control, consume me! Help me to loose myself and just bring You praise!
It is just so hard, I mean, didn't He give me this personality? I struggle with this at times and then in sweeps that overwhelming peace that I have become so thankful for. Knowing it will all be okay and my focus turns to the precious two little boys that I have, their smiles take away all my frustration.
At the end of the day, there is another day I must walk. I want to walk. These days I know will be the days I treasure the most! In those moments of pure frustration I must relinquish all control and refocus on what is in front of me, gifts from the Lord. Tangible gifts, the only tangible gifts God gives.
